Summary of Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss and Tahl Raz

Locate the black swan and utilise it to your advantage.

Black swans were supposed to be mythological creatures until Europeans encountered them during an expedition in the seventeenth century. A black swan, as a metaphor, depicts the discovery of something unexpected, surprising, and thought to be impossible. A black swan in a negotiating environment signifies the appearance of an unexpected piece of information. Identifying and exploiting black swans in your favour is a vital ability that will allow you to generate breakthroughs in your negotiations. Let’s find out how.

In most negotiations, you have some certainty about your counterpart, such as their name or offer. Then there are things you know exist or are likely, such as your rival exiting the negotiation entirely. Finally, there are things you don’t know you don’t know – incredible information that might dramatically change the outcome. These are the black swans, sometimes known as unknown unknowns. It’s impossible to completely conjure the unfathomable, so the most you can do is remain adaptable and never overestimate your expertise or understanding. 

You can also use a couple of strategies to make black swans apparent. To begin, ask a lot of questions and pay attention to the nonverbal indications they may elicit. Allow yourself to receive knowledge that goes above and beyond what you expected, and then ask yourself why the other person is conveying this right now.

Finding black swans is easiest while negotiating in person. There’s no way to receive critical, profound information by email – virtual, written communication allows people to think and avoid disclosing too much. It also masks vocal tones and body expression. You must also be hyperaware, especially outside of formal conference settings, where people are more likely to relax their guard. Also, consider using techniques like mirroring and labelling to find helpful information. 

So, you’ve identified a black swan; what now? If you don’t know how to use information, it’s not worth anything. Finding a black swan provides you with one important advantage: leverage. 

If you have something that your counterpart desires, you already have positive leverage – the ability to make their wish come true. So, by understanding what people genuinely desire, you may ask for what you desire in return. 

Negative leverage, on the other hand, is more threatening. It is based on a basic cognitive bias known as loss aversion. Making the other person aware that you have the capacity to make them lose something if they do not accept your offer is an example of negative leverage. So figure out what’s important to your counterpart – perhaps their reputation or status in a community – and utilise that to your advantage. 

Negative leverage is risky and should be handled with extreme caution. Threats can lead to extremely toxic conversations, potentially ruining a solid partnership. Try combining labelling with negative leverage instead. “It appears that you value the reputation you’ve built,” for example.

Finally, normative leverage is taking advantage of the other person’s set of rules and moral ideals. You have normative leverage if you have evidence of differences between a person’s words and behaviour. To comprehend their beliefs, simply ask questions and listen carefully to their responses. 

Remember that perception is everything. Maintain your senses on high alert and look for anything that could provide you with unexpected knowledge about your rival. You’ll be able to acquire an advantage in any negotiation this way.

To create trust, use active listening strategies in your everyday encounters.

“Sure, cheeseburger with no onions.” And what about you?” Have you ever had the experience of a waiter repeating your order after you said it? This is known as mirroring, and it is a tactic for building trust with someone. 

Negotiation requires a high level of trust. It will tell you what the other person is thinking and feeling. You’ll be able to forecast how they’ll act if you understand their wants and requirements. Active listening comes into play here.

You will accomplish two things by actively listening to your counterpart. First, you will cease listening to your own unreasonable biases. Second, you’ll reassure the individual in front of you. You’ll begin by discussing their desires, which will lead you to their needs.

That is why mirroring is such a simple but powerful approach. You comfort someone when you mimic their behaviour or words. They receive the impression that you are similar to them, which builds trust and encourages them to communicate more. So, just as a waiter repeating your order at a restaurant shows that they “got it,” repeating another person’s comments reveals that you “get them.”

Mirroring also conveys the impression that you wish to better grasp what the other person is saying. This will force them to rephrase their remark and, hopefully, reveal more information. 

Another good strategy is to utilise your voice deliberately. The voice is one of the most important tools in negotiations, often the only one, and your tone can have a significant impact on the outcome. 

There are two primary speech tones to consider here. The first is upbeat and lively, and it should be your default tone. When you speak while smiling, you’ll notice that your voice has an easygoing tone, which is what you want. People are more willing to work with you and find a solution to a problem when you show a positive attitude. The second voice is that of a late-night FM DJ, which should be utilised sparingly. It has a downward inflection and a steady, quiet cadence. When used correctly, it should convey authority without eliciting defensiveness. And it should convey that you are in command of the issue while also creating a safe atmosphere for both sides.

Determine which strategies to employ and create a bargaining strategy based on your counterpart’s characteristics. Then, to create trust, hone your rapport and keep the conversation moving.

You may build trust by using emotions and empathy.

Listening may offer light on someone’s emotions, which are essential tools for a successful negotiation. A psychotherapist delves deeply into the emotions of their patients in order to comprehend their problems and persuade them to modify their behaviour. Similarly, the more you understand your counterpart’s feelings, the more you can influence their actions in your favour.

Consider the following scenario. You’ve been looking forward to this day for months: your employer has finally found time to meet with you and discuss your wage. You tell them about all the projects you’ve finished, all the extra hours you’ve worked, how well you’ve done, and how you deserve a 10% rise. But all you get is a pat on the back and the words, “You’re doing fine, just hang in there.” There is currently no budget for a rise.” You’re heartbroken, angry, and sad. You’ve put in a lot of effort, but it appears like they don’t appreciate it or even try to empathize with you! 

A moment like this would most likely make you less sympathetic, closing you up to the possibility of resolution.

Empathy, more specifically tactical empathy, is critical to keeping a negotiation open and going ahead. Empathy is the attempt to understand how another person feels; it is putting oneself in their shoes. Tactical empathy encompasses all of these and more. It entails trying to hear what’s underneath those feelings in order to exert more influence over them. It combines emotional intelligence with strategic reasoning.

Labelling is a method linked with tactical empathy. It entails recognising and expressing your counterpart’s feelings. You affirm and acknowledge them in this way; you act as if you are experiencing the feelings yourself, which leads to trust.

It may appear simple, yet identifying emotions is a skill that must be acquired. The first stage is to become conscious of your body language and speech inflections. When discussing a subject, the smallest tightening of the lips or movement of the hands can reveal a lot about a person’s thoughts towards it.

Remove yourself from the equation when creating labels. Begin your statements with the phrase “It sounds like” or “It looks like.” By removing the “I,” you exhibit a more unselfish, empathic concern. And, after voicing a label, remain silent so that your counterpart can elaborate. Because a label is a statement rather than a question, the range of possible answers is fairly broad.

Labelling is effective because it tackles core emotions rather than surface emotions – and it does so in a way that helps alleviate any negative sentiments.

Let’s return to the salary negotiation case. Instead of emphasising your accomplishments and long hours, you should respond, “It sounds like you’re under pressure from upper management.” In turn, they discuss some internal management difficulties and how they feel about them. You’ve earned their trust, so they now say, “I know you’ve been working hard, and I really appreciate it.” Let me see what I can do to change some numbers and get you a bonus.” You demonstrate to your manager that you understand their stance, which makes them more open to understanding yours.

Finally, empathy is a natural human instinct. It will enable you to form more meaningful connections and maintain healthy relationships while also acting as a tool to help you achieve your goals. Everyone, after all, wants to be understood!

Simply say no!

So far, all of my thoughts and sentiments have been favourable. You should have a very good toolkit of strategies for building trust in your counterpart, which will help you obtain information about their objectives and requirements – and steer the negotiation in the right direction.

Let’s now look at the downside. We’ll start with a simple word that we all despise: no. This bad term can put an end to a lot of good initiatives. A downer. A show-stopper. However, when utilised correctly, it may be a powerful tool for a negotiator.

Saying “no” essentially allows you to explain what you want and don’t want. It gives you command, starts the negotiation, and puts you in charge. When you say “no,” you momentarily shield yourself by giving yourself time to contemplate your options in a relaxed manner. “No” buys you time, and time allows you to persuade your counterpart to adopt your perspective. However, your counterpart has the right to say “no” – which is a good thing. Allowing them to retain their autonomy gives them the appearance of control. 

For example, if your supervisor refuses to give you a raise, you could compel a “no” by asking, “Are you dissatisfied with my work?” Or are you wondering “Have I been underperforming?” You offer him decision-making authority, but you also push him into a position where he doesn’t have much else to say.

Keep this in mind the next time you’re in a bargaining situation: getting a “no” can be advantageous, so go for it. Find a means – a question – to get a “no,” and when you get it, accept it. 

The word “no” might be difficult to employ because it can be taken as cruel. Yes, saying “No” causes friction and disagreement, but it also allows individuals to feel safe and in charge. Of course, there are numerous more subtle methods to express a negative response, such as asking “how?”

People’s true desires are disclosed through dispute; fake civility crumbles to reveal what everyone truly wishes. You can reveal your counterpart’s ideas and sentiments by expressing and seeking negativity, bringing you closer to your final goal: a genuine, committed “yes.”

Never, ever compromise, give in, or split the difference.

Perhaps you’ve been taught that the ideal outcome for a problem is for both parties to meet halfway or split the difference. However, this might lead to frustration for all parties involved. Meeting halfway also puts you at risk of being pushed into a corner. That is why we will look into ways to avoid compromising and instead develop power in your favour. 

First and foremost, there is time. Time is a tremendously strong weapon that can provide peace or tension. Time can be used to exert pressure in negotiations. You can drive your rival to make rash decisions because they are frightened of losing anything in the future if you set deadlines. At the same time, the majority of deadlines are negotiable. With this knowledge, you may confidently exploit time to your advantage. 

Let us return to the pay increase issue. Set a date when your supervisor requests time from you. Tell yourself that if your request for a rise isn’t accepted by then, you’ll start looking for a new work where you’ll be better valued.

The second tool is justice. We frequently believe that we make sensible decisions. Experience has shown that rationality is present in articulating how we arrive at these conclusions, but emotion dictates the actual moment of decision-making. Fairness is associated with reasoning and respect. If, for example, the response to your salary increase request is a counteroffer, you’ll likely feel taken advantage of and deserve better.

The term “fair” can have a big impact on your bargaining partner. You could, for example, tell your manager that you “just want what’s fair.” It’s a defensive claim that can make them feel uneasy about their own behaviour – a forceful remark that comes in handy. Another milder approach is to use the word “fair” early in the negotiation. When you declare you “want to be fair,” you let the other person know you’re considering them from the start, which increases our old friend, trust.

People will always behave impulsively and emotionally. You’ll be one step closer to attaining what you want if you can learn to deal with their emotions and perspective of reality.

Locate the black swan and utilise it to your advantage.

Black swans were supposed to be mythological creatures until Europeans encountered them during an expedition in the seventeenth century. A black swan, as a metaphor, depicts the discovery of something unexpected, surprising, and thought to be impossible. A black swan in a negotiating environment signifies the appearance of an unexpected piece of information. Identifying and exploiting black swans in your favour is a vital ability that will allow you to generate breakthroughs in your negotiations. Let’s find out how.

In most negotiations, you have some certainty about your counterpart, such as their name or offer. Then there are things you know exist or are likely, such as your rival exiting the negotiation entirely. Finally, there are things you don’t know you don’t know – incredible information that might dramatically change the outcome. These are the black swans, sometimes known as unknown unknowns. It’s impossible to completely conjure the unfathomable, so the most you can do is remain adaptable and never overestimate your expertise or understanding. 

You can also use a couple of strategies to make black swans apparent. To begin, ask a lot of questions and pay attention to the nonverbal indications they may elicit. Allow yourself to receive knowledge that goes above and beyond what you expected, and then ask yourself why the other person is conveying this right now.

Finding black swans is easiest while negotiating in person. There’s no way to receive critical, profound information by email – virtual, written communication allows people to think and avoid disclosing too much. It also masks vocal tones and body expression. You must also be hyperaware, especially outside of formal conference settings, where people are more likely to relax their guard. Also, consider using techniques like mirroring and labelling to find helpful information. 

So, you’ve identified a black swan; what now? If you don’t know how to use information, it’s not worth anything. Finding a black swan provides you with one important advantage: leverage. 

If you have something that your counterpart desires, you already have positive leverage – the ability to make their wish come true. So, by understanding what people genuinely desire, you may ask for what you desire in return. 

Negative leverage, on the other hand, is more threatening. It is based on a basic cognitive bias known as loss aversion. Making the other person aware that you have the capacity to make them lose something if they do not accept your offer is an example of negative leverage. So figure out what’s important to your counterpart – perhaps their reputation or status in a community – and utilise that to your advantage. 

Negative leverage is risky and should be handled with extreme caution. Threats can lead to extremely toxic conversations, potentially ruining a solid partnership. Try combining labelling with negative leverage instead. “It appears that you value the reputation you’ve built,” for example.

Finally, normative leverage is taking advantage of the other person’s set of rules and moral ideals. You have normative leverage if you have evidence of differences between a person’s words and behaviour. To comprehend their beliefs, simply ask questions and listen carefully to their responses. 

Remember that perception is everything. Maintain your senses on high alert and look for anything that could provide you with unexpected knowledge about your rival. You’ll be able to acquire an advantage in any negotiation this way.

Conclusion 

Through the cultivation of psychological awareness and the utilisation of straightforward strategies such as active listening and the use of the word “no,” you can productively negotiate on your journey through life. It is important to keep in mind that all people want is to feel that they are understood and that they can trust you. Each and every negotiation is different; therefore, it is essential to sharpen your abilities and keep them on hand so that you are ready for anything that may come your way. And when you come across a black swan, make sure to take it and put it to good use!

Discussion Questions 

1. Challenge the premise: The basic premise of the book is “Never Split the Difference.” Are you in agreement? Is there ever a time when a compromise is the best option? What is your reasoning?
2. Passivity vs. Active Listening: Some methods appear passive, such as the “Silent Pause.” Can aggressiveness and pushing back against the opposing party be characteristics of productive negotiation?
3. Ethics as a Mirror: While mirroring helps to develop rapport, it can also feel manipulative or dishonest if employed excessively. How can we assure ethical behaviour when employing these strategies?
4. Above and Beyond High Stakes: Can these strategies be used to ordinary disputes, such as salary negotiations or personal conflicts? If this is the case, how should we modify their application?
5. Emotional Intelligence: The book emphasises the importance of understanding emotions. How can we improve our emotional intelligence in order to be more effective negotiators?
6. The book focuses on hostage scenarios in which the negotiator has less leverage. How do these strategies work when you are the more powerful party? Should the approach be altered?
7. Cultural Impact: Do these strategies work across cultures? Are there any cultural concerns we should keep in mind when using them in diverse contexts?
8. Negotiation and Technology: How can these strategies adapt to digital negotiations via email, phone, or video conferencing? What are the specific problems and opportunities that these channels present?
9. Tactics’ Limitations: Are there any scenarios in which these tactics can backfire or be ineffective? What are the risks of relying primarily on such strategies?
10. Personal Implications: How has reading this book influenced your approach to negotiation? Do you feel better prepared or competent to manage future negotiations?

Reflection Essays 

1. Select a specific approach from the book (for example, labelling or calibrated questions). Consider a personal event in which you could have used this strategy. What difference would it have made in the outcome, and what did you learn from the experience?
2. Consider yourself in a high-stakes negotiation situation (e.g., a pay increase or a hostage crisis). Using the methods from the book, describe your ideal strategy. What difficulties do you expect, and how do you plan to overcome them?
3. Examine a recent conflict you have had (personal or professional). What role did emotions and communication dynamics play? Could you have used any of the book’s strategies to get a better result? If so, how so?
4. Consider the ethical ramifications of employing these negotiation techniques. Is there ever a time when employing them feels exploitative or coercive? How can you achieve a balance between efficiency and ethics?
5. Consider your own negotiating approach. What are your strong points and weak points? How can you apply the principles in this book to become a better negotiator in all facets of your life?